Bigger is not always better! Seriously….

June 25, 2008

So lets just say Moroni gave Joseph plates these size (mind you, they’re pure gold):

Ok, he could probably lift it, probably only a couple hundred pounds…

How about this size?

Maybe, he’s purty strong, three hundred lbs?

This size??

No fucking way, that’s gold bitch! Probably around 600 pounds right there! And he hauled it four miles back to his pad and all over the country side? Com’on now! Even like with the power of God, 600 pounds is 600 pounds! And if you think I’m being mean that is the church’s official display, that’s probably a 1/2 ton of gold!

And how did he haul the sword of Laban around?

He may have had a wagon but I doubt it.

And how’d you translate a half ton of gold??? the Urim and Thummim while looking into a top hat?

Ok, ok, he could have just put these in his pocket but there was some sort of breast plate and a top hat but Google wouldn’t give me a very good picture. “mumum smsmsyush” and “uh, you just mumbled something”, furthermore “…and i went forthwith translating this gospel with but a mere salt and pepper shaker”, that is some really nice work there Joseph!

I’m just saying that something made of pure gold is going to be heavy, even if Reformed Egyptian is like freaky hieroglyphic shorthand. Just saying…


Joseph Smith – Saw who?? Yeah, right!

June 12, 2008

So I need to enlighten you dumbass heathens on some basic historical facts so I can provide a little context for my future musings. I would imagine much of who read this already have a working knowledge of Mormonism but still I gotta tell the story. So, in the early 19th Century a young man living in upstate New York had some basic questions about which church to join. What happened during his quest for an answer resulted in the creation of a global religion with influence in American politics, western settlement, and cultural norms. This man was Joseph Smith (here is an artist’s rendition of Joseph, notice how hot this guy is for the 1830s, HELLLOooo!) .

During this period of time, specifically in the Burnt Over district of New York, a renewed religious revival took place. It was an era of visions, mystics, and revivalism. As it was described to me during my religious study as a teen (4 years of Mormon seminary) Joseph Smith was compelled to find out which church had the authority to direct the Church of Christ as set forth during Jesus’s discipleship on Earth. He knew it wasn’t the Catholics (it should be self evident their authority never existed and who can trust a priest with sacramental wine coolers and snickers bars anymore?) , he was modestly attracted to revivalists, and he really liked the Methodists but could not reconcile this authority issue. So at the age of 14 he went into a grove of trees outside the farm and asked God which church he should join. Sure as the sun rise God and Jesus Christ appeared to him, told them all churches were full of cockamamie bullshit and that through a series of visions and ordinances from heavenly figures they were going to bring back Their church with him as a Modern Day Prophet/Restorer. I kid you not, I am not fucking kidding, its shit like this that honestly makes me sad Mitt Romney’s Presidential campaign failed. This is the shit we’d be talking about right now, during the election, it would be the funniest thing ever, I digress… So here is an artist’s rendition of what actually happened on that glorious of mornings (Jesus on the left, God on the Right, Joseph is sitting on the ground):

He looks pretty developed for 14

If you think I’m just making this shit up here is a randomly Google’d link I found in 2.4 seconds from the University of Virginia, feel free to click it for reference but you really don’t need to, I’m historically accurate due to the many years of study, in fact, I’m scary accurate (honestly, this is off the top of my head).

So in summary, he’s a 14 year old and he saw God and Jesus in human form, you’d think that couldn’t be topped, right? Think again heathens. If you actually did click on the link above you’ll notice within the Joseph Smith story he was visited by several biblical figures and some new figures which we will call “Angels”. After he saw God and Jesus , he was visited by the “Angel” Moroni who apparently lived in the Americas circa, ummm, 170 ADish (I don’t feel like Googling it). You see, way back before the time of Christ there was this family lead by Lehi. Jeruselum was about to be destroyed by some fucking heathens from Babylon so God (the one who Joseph Smith met) told Lehi to get the hell out of Dodge and he’d directed him to a “Promised Land”. Well turns out, God (the one who Joseph Smith met) told Lehi to build some ships and set sail to wherever and once they got there it would be the “Promised Land”. Sure as hell they sailed from the Mid East to Central America 800 years before the birth of Christ, at first glance that sure seems believable. Well, their families started getting bigger and soon we had a full blown colony of Jews in North America and God (the one who Joseph Smith met) was directing the prophets and there were a ton of wars and the wicked ones for some unknown reason turned brown, Jesus got crucified in Jeruselum and then he came and visited the heathens in America after his resurrection, then the Brownies (they were called Lamanites) ultimately killed the Whities (they were called Nephites), it was awesome, an awesome tale of whoa. Well, I did mention the Angel Moroni earlier, he was the last of the Nephite prophets tasked with completing the history of Lehi and his decendents. He continued to write the history and completed it, when he was done he buried it in the side of a hill testifying that it would be a modern day record of his people’s communication with God (the one who Joseph Smith met) and also be a new scripture for our modern age. Any guesses what Moroni may have mention to Joseph when he came for a visit? You guessed it, “I have this book I wrote 2000 years ago and you’re going to translate it for me and it will be a new testament for Jesus”. I bet you think I’m shitting you, I’m not and I have an artist’s rendition of what happened right here:

You can see where this is going right, visions, gold plates, prophecies, angry mobs, moving out West, banging chicks left and right, Cultural Retardedness, fat white people who live in Sandy, Utah??? You got the quantum leap, right???

Blah, you are probably a stupid idiot suffering from Attention Deficit Disorder and can’t handle a blog over 175 words per day and furthermore, I lost you three pictures ago. Well, make an attempt at reading here, I will tell you all the REAL funny shit later, you just needed some background here.

Hugs and Kisses,