New book to make you uncomfortable!

July 30, 2008

A new book is coming out next month about the Mountain Meadows Massacre which happened in the southwest corner of Utah circa 1857. The Mountain Meadows massacre involved a mass slaughter of the Fancher-Baker emigrant wagon train at Mountain Meadows in the Utah Territory by the local Mormon militia in September 1857. It began as an attack, quickly turned into a siege, and eventually culminated on September 11, 1857, in the execution of the unarmed emigrants after their surrender.

Here is the movie poster about the Massacre starting Jon Voight as John D. Lee. I heard it was massively lame (You know Jack likes to include pictures on his blog).

This is a very uncomfortable topic for Mormons, if you read the whole Wiki account of the Mountain Meadows Massacre you see some very crazy and disturbing shit, specifically to Parley P. Pratt getting shot by the legal husband of one of his plural “wives” who doubled as a mistress. Nutty. P3 was and still is a beloved leader but he should have stayed away from wife stealing. To the naked eye this incident looks like murder in the 1st and it is apparent the leadership of the church knew about this from the bottom up. It’s a blight on the system, the topic is far too big to discuss on this blog but wanted to see if you were interested cause this book is getting serious run.



Jack goes to Church!

July 22, 2008

I went to Church yesterday.

2nd coming

Jesus people, it’s not the 2nd Coming!!!

Maybe this caught you off guard, you might even be shocked as you think I’m not the church attending type. You are correct in this assumption. Church, especially the LDS three hour block (Sacrament, Sunday School, and Priesthood) is mind-numbing shit. I won’t get into the reason why I was there but my attendance usually coincides with a special event or holiday, I’m sort of like a Catholic version of a Mormon. I must admit I was a little surprised at the meeting, I was expecting some boring business about how great Joseph Smith, Brigham Young, Boyd K. Packer, and Thomas S. Monson were but for most of the meeting people talked about Jesus and his simplistic gospel of love. WTF? Gimme something about how you are going to create worlds in heaven or marry multiple women and bang them in celestial sex, I want the crazy shit!!!! Sons of bitches!! Why the simple stuff when I had my notebook and pen out?? I hate it when Mormons ruin my stereotypes with real Biblical discussion.

I did feel pretty dirty about attending (I haven’t attended since the start of this blog) and I realized it’s just the Mormon guilt I grew up with so I devised a quick and easy solution for my how I felt. When I got home I lined up a shot of Jim Beam and a can of Miller High Life, 12 minutes later I felt better.

Jim Beam

That’s right Jack, it’s ok, it’s all better now, all better now…

Oh No I’ve Been Excommunicated!!!

July 18, 2008

Me??? Little ole Jack Mormon?? Ummm, yeah, not really but last week there was this crazy news story about Chad Hardy’s excommunication from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (otherwise known as the Mormon Church). He put hot chest-baring male return missionaries in a calendar, put it on the market and made a killing. Unfortunately for Chad, the male leaders of his local congregation didn’t like it (I’m sure the Relief Society didn’t mind) and took action. I had numerous requests to blog on this story but as I read it became clear it wasn’t really a story. Chad was pretty happy he got shit-canned, he got serious publicity for his next calendar, and since he wasn’t living a Mormon lifestyle he simply didn’t care. The funniest thing about the story is the fact that Brandon Flowers is from the same congregation and he wears make up. Personally I think a church should be able to tell people to get out if they want to. They make the rules, they’re speaking for God, general membership isn’t supposed to understand its inner workings; it’s a church for Crissakes!

Chad’s excommunication did get me thinking about the process because growing up I recall there being a terrible stigma attached to the word. You’d hear about someone getting Ex’d (until the 1970s*, decisions of excommunication and disfellowshipment were announced openly in ward Melchizedek Priesthood meetings, although the nature of the transgression was usually not announced) and then you’d wonder what transgression was committed or who had sex with who. Members would heap initial pity on the family then withdraw leaving them isolated as the family with an excommunicated member. Most never quite recovered and the whole process seemed very extreme. I remember this being the case in several instances in my Ward growing up.

Bruce C. Hafen (who is a current General Authority and I believe somewhat Liberal) formalized the reasoning behind excommunication. I think it’s a pretty good read but on the disciplinary end it seems far reaching and harsh especially since most acts of discipline are handled at the local level and open to interpretation. Chad Hardy’s excommunication does seem a little senseless but for those who really have issues but want to remain inside the church, why not just lie? I’d still lie if they had pictures of me with my pants around my ankles while my secretary’s legs where on my shoulders. No, I have no idea who writes this blog! No, that isn’t my email address! See, that’s not so hard, is it? For the serious Mormon is it really worth the heart ache?

*I believe announcements continued until the late 80s, talk about harsh.

Fat People From Sandy Utah

July 1, 2008

Here they are, your typical happy fat Mormon family from Sandy, Utah all geeked up on red meat, fast foods, and saturated fats. Don’t they look happy? They even bought their denim clothing from Old Navy for this family photo.

I Googled “Fat People from Sandy Utah” and this family came up. Try it, I dare you (2rd Row).

He actually has a cleaver little blog if you like, “A Joke of the day”, humorous stories about my “sweet (code for Fat) wife”, some dumb stories about having tons of kids, probably some inspiring stories about Mormonism, and how fat people think strolling in the park constitutes a workout. Oh wait… I just noticed the blurb about Son #4 having a brain tumor, uh, I was going to bang away at these fat people but even I have limits.

Move along people, nothing to see here, I’ll come back to this “Mormons are fat asses” topic later.

Bigger is not always better! Seriously….

June 25, 2008

So lets just say Moroni gave Joseph plates these size (mind you, they’re pure gold):

Ok, he could probably lift it, probably only a couple hundred pounds…

How about this size?

Maybe, he’s purty strong, three hundred lbs?

This size??

No fucking way, that’s gold bitch! Probably around 600 pounds right there! And he hauled it four miles back to his pad and all over the country side? Com’on now! Even like with the power of God, 600 pounds is 600 pounds! And if you think I’m being mean that is the church’s official display, that’s probably a 1/2 ton of gold!

And how did he haul the sword of Laban around?

He may have had a wagon but I doubt it.

And how’d you translate a half ton of gold??? the Urim and Thummim while looking into a top hat?

Ok, ok, he could have just put these in his pocket but there was some sort of breast plate and a top hat but Google wouldn’t give me a very good picture. “mumum smsmsyush” and “uh, you just mumbled something”, furthermore “…and i went forthwith translating this gospel with but a mere salt and pepper shaker”, that is some really nice work there Joseph!

I’m just saying that something made of pure gold is going to be heavy, even if Reformed Egyptian is like freaky hieroglyphic shorthand. Just saying…

And that’s how it happened!

June 22, 2008

Just in case you thought I was kidding about that Joseph Smith seeing God and Jesus business, I’ve decided to post a short clip on the First Vision. I basically I grew up with this story as soon as I burst through the womb. I heard it during Primary, Family Home Evening, Sunday School, Seminary and then retold it a billion times on my mission. It became a part of my being. In my earlier post I failed to mention Joseph was reading the Epistle of James where it states, “If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God who giveth to all men liberally.” We love this scripture and I still use it on people even though I could care less about religion and don’t believe God really talks to anyone anymore.

This gives you a basic idea of how it happened.



Joseph Smith – Saw who?? Yeah, right!

June 12, 2008

So I need to enlighten you dumbass heathens on some basic historical facts so I can provide a little context for my future musings. I would imagine much of who read this already have a working knowledge of Mormonism but still I gotta tell the story. So, in the early 19th Century a young man living in upstate New York had some basic questions about which church to join. What happened during his quest for an answer resulted in the creation of a global religion with influence in American politics, western settlement, and cultural norms. This man was Joseph Smith (here is an artist’s rendition of Joseph, notice how hot this guy is for the 1830s, HELLLOooo!) .

During this period of time, specifically in the Burnt Over district of New York, a renewed religious revival took place. It was an era of visions, mystics, and revivalism. As it was described to me during my religious study as a teen (4 years of Mormon seminary) Joseph Smith was compelled to find out which church had the authority to direct the Church of Christ as set forth during Jesus’s discipleship on Earth. He knew it wasn’t the Catholics (it should be self evident their authority never existed and who can trust a priest with sacramental wine coolers and snickers bars anymore?) , he was modestly attracted to revivalists, and he really liked the Methodists but could not reconcile this authority issue. So at the age of 14 he went into a grove of trees outside the farm and asked God which church he should join. Sure as the sun rise God and Jesus Christ appeared to him, told them all churches were full of cockamamie bullshit and that through a series of visions and ordinances from heavenly figures they were going to bring back Their church with him as a Modern Day Prophet/Restorer. I kid you not, I am not fucking kidding, its shit like this that honestly makes me sad Mitt Romney’s Presidential campaign failed. This is the shit we’d be talking about right now, during the election, it would be the funniest thing ever, I digress… So here is an artist’s rendition of what actually happened on that glorious of mornings (Jesus on the left, God on the Right, Joseph is sitting on the ground):

He looks pretty developed for 14

If you think I’m just making this shit up here is a randomly Google’d link I found in 2.4 seconds from the University of Virginia, feel free to click it for reference but you really don’t need to, I’m historically accurate due to the many years of study, in fact, I’m scary accurate (honestly, this is off the top of my head).

So in summary, he’s a 14 year old and he saw God and Jesus in human form, you’d think that couldn’t be topped, right? Think again heathens. If you actually did click on the link above you’ll notice within the Joseph Smith story he was visited by several biblical figures and some new figures which we will call “Angels”. After he saw God and Jesus , he was visited by the “Angel” Moroni who apparently lived in the Americas circa, ummm, 170 ADish (I don’t feel like Googling it). You see, way back before the time of Christ there was this family lead by Lehi. Jeruselum was about to be destroyed by some fucking heathens from Babylon so God (the one who Joseph Smith met) told Lehi to get the hell out of Dodge and he’d directed him to a “Promised Land”. Well turns out, God (the one who Joseph Smith met) told Lehi to build some ships and set sail to wherever and once they got there it would be the “Promised Land”. Sure as hell they sailed from the Mid East to Central America 800 years before the birth of Christ, at first glance that sure seems believable. Well, their families started getting bigger and soon we had a full blown colony of Jews in North America and God (the one who Joseph Smith met) was directing the prophets and there were a ton of wars and the wicked ones for some unknown reason turned brown, Jesus got crucified in Jeruselum and then he came and visited the heathens in America after his resurrection, then the Brownies (they were called Lamanites) ultimately killed the Whities (they were called Nephites), it was awesome, an awesome tale of whoa. Well, I did mention the Angel Moroni earlier, he was the last of the Nephite prophets tasked with completing the history of Lehi and his decendents. He continued to write the history and completed it, when he was done he buried it in the side of a hill testifying that it would be a modern day record of his people’s communication with God (the one who Joseph Smith met) and also be a new scripture for our modern age. Any guesses what Moroni may have mention to Joseph when he came for a visit? You guessed it, “I have this book I wrote 2000 years ago and you’re going to translate it for me and it will be a new testament for Jesus”. I bet you think I’m shitting you, I’m not and I have an artist’s rendition of what happened right here:

You can see where this is going right, visions, gold plates, prophecies, angry mobs, moving out West, banging chicks left and right, Cultural Retardedness, fat white people who live in Sandy, Utah??? You got the quantum leap, right???

Blah, you are probably a stupid idiot suffering from Attention Deficit Disorder and can’t handle a blog over 175 words per day and furthermore, I lost you three pictures ago. Well, make an attempt at reading here, I will tell you all the REAL funny shit later, you just needed some background here.

Hugs and Kisses,