Why am I a Jack Mormon?

June 30, 2008

Some may wonder exactly what a Jack Mormon is, maybe I should have covered this topic earlier? To cut to the quick, a Jack Mormon loosely associates himself with the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (also known as Mormon) but does not follow any of the day to day practices, like paying tithing, abstaining from smoke or drink, and has no problem indulging in the flesh (outside the marriage covenant).

Check out its definition on Urban Dictionary (on of my favorite Internet site sources).

A legitimate question springs to mind, why do you feel it necessary to associate yourself with the Church while you obviously do not believe in or practice Its teachings?

Good question, maybe because I know David Archuleta, John Heder, Ryan Gosling, and Amy Adams are card carrying Mormons. That’s reason enough for me and now you know what a Jack Mormon is.

This is also a reason why I’m a Jack Mormon (I share the same first name):

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I Can’t! I’m Mormon!

June 26, 2008

But we all know you would if you could…. well, I was taught in Sunbeams that if you thought it, you did it. I think this fully clothed seductress (shown below):

should think bad thoughts and proceed to have sex with me.

You think I’m making this stuff up but let me present this little article on said topic which stirred up some controversy at The Lord’s University. According to the Deseret Morning News, the paper halted the ad campaign after complaints from students, professors and administrators who felt the slogan implied a desire to engage in “objectionable” behavior.

Many thought wearers of the clothing wished they could drink, smoke or have casual sex – but were prevented solely because of their membership in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

Duh!

I’m sure if you did Jesus (the one Joseph Smith met) will ultimately forgive you anyway, ain’t that right Jesus (the one Joseph Smith met)?


Hello world!

June 12, 2008

Yep, I grew up Mormon and not just your average a run of the mill “I just attend Sacrament Meeting and split” Mormon. I was a kick ass Sunbeam all the way up to a faithful, glory-filled return missionary. My story probably isn’t really different from thousands of kids growing up Mormon, they were dutiful and fulfilled the standards their parents place on them and once fulfilled, went inactive. Where I may be a little different from your average apostate is that I revel in being a Jack Mormon. I love Mormons, they rock, especially the women, God damn are they hot little pieces. I sometimes go to Sacrament just to check out which MILF’s I’d like to slam up against my bathroom wall during an extended session of Rough Sex. I do pass on partaking of the Sacrament lest you call me a hypocrite. I digress… The real reason for my Blog is to glory in all things Mormon, the MILF business is a future lengthy post which will address the Relief Society MILF in great detail. Each new post will discuss a different faucet of what it means to be a Mormon, a Jack Mormon, doctrine and cultural retardedness.

By the way, I freely use what I call Nonsense Terms, shit I make up that doesn’t really belong in the English language. Cultural Retardedness, I’m pretty sure I don’t know what that means but I will use it freely and you’ll understand. Got it? Good, now lets all say “HORRAY FOR BRIGHAM YOUNG*” three times fast.

*The Brigham Young who banged endless young tail and took all Joseph Smith’s wives when he got shot in the name of the Lord. Hell yeah, its good to be the King.