Jack goes to Church!

July 22, 2008

I went to Church yesterday.

2nd coming

Jesus people, it’s not the 2nd Coming!!!

Maybe this caught you off guard, you might even be shocked as you think I’m not the church attending type. You are correct in this assumption. Church, especially the LDS three hour block (Sacrament, Sunday School, and Priesthood) is mind-numbing shit. I won’t get into the reason why I was there but my attendance usually coincides with a special event or holiday, I’m sort of like a Catholic version of a Mormon. I must admit I was a little surprised at the meeting, I was expecting some boring business about how great Joseph Smith, Brigham Young, Boyd K. Packer, and Thomas S. Monson were but for most of the meeting people talked about Jesus and his simplistic gospel of love. WTF? Gimme something about how you are going to create worlds in heaven or marry multiple women and bang them in celestial sex, I want the crazy shit!!!! Sons of bitches!! Why the simple stuff when I had my notebook and pen out?? I hate it when Mormons ruin my stereotypes with real Biblical discussion.

I did feel pretty dirty about attending (I haven’t attended since the start of this blog) and I realized it’s just the Mormon guilt I grew up with so I devised a quick and easy solution for my how I felt. When I got home I lined up a shot of Jim Beam and a can of Miller High Life, 12 minutes later I felt better.

Jim Beam

That’s right Jack, it’s ok, it’s all better now, all better now…

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Oh No I’ve Been Excommunicated!!!

July 18, 2008

Me??? Little ole Jack Mormon?? Ummm, yeah, not really but last week there was this crazy news story about Chad Hardy’s excommunication from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (otherwise known as the Mormon Church). He put hot chest-baring male return missionaries in a calendar, put it on the market and made a killing. Unfortunately for Chad, the male leaders of his local congregation didn’t like it (I’m sure the Relief Society didn’t mind) and took action. I had numerous requests to blog on this story but as I read it became clear it wasn’t really a story. Chad was pretty happy he got shit-canned, he got serious publicity for his next calendar, and since he wasn’t living a Mormon lifestyle he simply didn’t care. The funniest thing about the story is the fact that Brandon Flowers is from the same congregation and he wears make up. Personally I think a church should be able to tell people to get out if they want to. They make the rules, they’re speaking for God, general membership isn’t supposed to understand its inner workings; it’s a church for Crissakes!

Chad’s excommunication did get me thinking about the process because growing up I recall there being a terrible stigma attached to the word. You’d hear about someone getting Ex’d (until the 1970s*, decisions of excommunication and disfellowshipment were announced openly in ward Melchizedek Priesthood meetings, although the nature of the transgression was usually not announced) and then you’d wonder what transgression was committed or who had sex with who. Members would heap initial pity on the family then withdraw leaving them isolated as the family with an excommunicated member. Most never quite recovered and the whole process seemed very extreme. I remember this being the case in several instances in my Ward growing up.

Bruce C. Hafen (who is a current General Authority and I believe somewhat Liberal) formalized the reasoning behind excommunication. I think it’s a pretty good read but on the disciplinary end it seems far reaching and harsh especially since most acts of discipline are handled at the local level and open to interpretation. Chad Hardy’s excommunication does seem a little senseless but for those who really have issues but want to remain inside the church, why not just lie? I’d still lie if they had pictures of me with my pants around my ankles while my secretary’s legs where on my shoulders. No, I have no idea who writes this blog! No, that isn’t my email address! See, that’s not so hard, is it? For the serious Mormon is it really worth the heart ache?

*I believe announcements continued until the late 80s, talk about harsh.


I’m Mr Brightside!

July 14, 2008

You knew this business was coming… in my previous post about famous Mormons I forgot to mention Killers lead singer Brandon Flowers, he is a devout Mormon. Flowers has described his personal faith as a “very important” part of his life. He has also joked that “I don’t think the make-up would go down so well at church.” Flowers has stated that he does not oppose gay rights, saying “I think everybody should have equal rights.” This link provides more depth of faith, wow, Mr Brightside is a serious Mormon.

Maybe his soft stance on Gay Rights is just pandering to his fan base but we are talking Mormonism here. To take his sexual ambiguity further check out this Mr Brightside video, its down right naughty for a Jack Mormon but its certain to shock the socks off a devout one (gawd Flowers, you are soooo hot!).

I bet Mr Brightside makes the Church hella-nervous with his stance on Gay Rights considering the church recently sent out this letter to its local leadership.

Here’s to Mr Brightside! Sounds like he just wants people to get along and for that matter, here’s to gay people! Oh wait, so sorry about that, yeah, gay people, ummmm, you are still shit out of luck. Most people still think you are Icky.


Bigger is not always better! Seriously….

June 25, 2008

So lets just say Moroni gave Joseph plates these size (mind you, they’re pure gold):

Ok, he could probably lift it, probably only a couple hundred pounds…

How about this size?

Maybe, he’s purty strong, three hundred lbs?

This size??

No fucking way, that’s gold bitch! Probably around 600 pounds right there! And he hauled it four miles back to his pad and all over the country side? Com’on now! Even like with the power of God, 600 pounds is 600 pounds! And if you think I’m being mean that is the church’s official display, that’s probably a 1/2 ton of gold!

And how did he haul the sword of Laban around?

He may have had a wagon but I doubt it.

And how’d you translate a half ton of gold??? the Urim and Thummim while looking into a top hat?

Ok, ok, he could have just put these in his pocket but there was some sort of breast plate and a top hat but Google wouldn’t give me a very good picture. “mumum smsmsyush” and “uh, you just mumbled something”, furthermore “…and i went forthwith translating this gospel with but a mere salt and pepper shaker”, that is some really nice work there Joseph!

I’m just saying that something made of pure gold is going to be heavy, even if Reformed Egyptian is like freaky hieroglyphic shorthand. Just saying…