New book to make you uncomfortable!

July 30, 2008

A new book is coming out next month about the Mountain Meadows Massacre which happened in the southwest corner of Utah circa 1857. The Mountain Meadows massacre involved a mass slaughter of the Fancher-Baker emigrant wagon train at Mountain Meadows in the Utah Territory by the local Mormon militia in September 1857. It began as an attack, quickly turned into a siege, and eventually culminated on September 11, 1857, in the execution of the unarmed emigrants after their surrender.

Here is the movie poster about the Massacre starting Jon Voight as John D. Lee. I heard it was massively lame (You know Jack likes to include pictures on his blog).

This is a very uncomfortable topic for Mormons, if you read the whole Wiki account of the Mountain Meadows Massacre you see some very crazy and disturbing shit, specifically to Parley P. Pratt getting shot by the legal husband of one of his plural “wives” who doubled as a mistress. Nutty. P3 was and still is a beloved leader but he should have stayed away from wife stealing. To the naked eye this incident looks like murder in the 1st and it is apparent the leadership of the church knew about this from the bottom up. It’s a blight on the system, the topic is far too big to discuss on this blog but wanted to see if you were interested cause this book is getting serious run.

Jacks


Jack goes to Church!

July 22, 2008

I went to Church yesterday.

2nd coming

Jesus people, it’s not the 2nd Coming!!!

Maybe this caught you off guard, you might even be shocked as you think I’m not the church attending type. You are correct in this assumption. Church, especially the LDS three hour block (Sacrament, Sunday School, and Priesthood) is mind-numbing shit. I won’t get into the reason why I was there but my attendance usually coincides with a special event or holiday, I’m sort of like a Catholic version of a Mormon. I must admit I was a little surprised at the meeting, I was expecting some boring business about how great Joseph Smith, Brigham Young, Boyd K. Packer, and Thomas S. Monson were but for most of the meeting people talked about Jesus and his simplistic gospel of love. WTF? Gimme something about how you are going to create worlds in heaven or marry multiple women and bang them in celestial sex, I want the crazy shit!!!! Sons of bitches!! Why the simple stuff when I had my notebook and pen out?? I hate it when Mormons ruin my stereotypes with real Biblical discussion.

I did feel pretty dirty about attending (I haven’t attended since the start of this blog) and I realized it’s just the Mormon guilt I grew up with so I devised a quick and easy solution for my how I felt. When I got home I lined up a shot of Jim Beam and a can of Miller High Life, 12 minutes later I felt better.

Jim Beam

That’s right Jack, it’s ok, it’s all better now, all better now…


I’m Mr Brightside!

July 14, 2008

You knew this business was coming… in my previous post about famous Mormons I forgot to mention Killers lead singer Brandon Flowers, he is a devout Mormon. Flowers has described his personal faith as a “very important” part of his life. He has also joked that “I don’t think the make-up would go down so well at church.” Flowers has stated that he does not oppose gay rights, saying “I think everybody should have equal rights.” This link provides more depth of faith, wow, Mr Brightside is a serious Mormon.

Maybe his soft stance on Gay Rights is just pandering to his fan base but we are talking Mormonism here. To take his sexual ambiguity further check out this Mr Brightside video, its down right naughty for a Jack Mormon but its certain to shock the socks off a devout one (gawd Flowers, you are soooo hot!).

I bet Mr Brightside makes the Church hella-nervous with his stance on Gay Rights considering the church recently sent out this letter to its local leadership.

Here’s to Mr Brightside! Sounds like he just wants people to get along and for that matter, here’s to gay people! Oh wait, so sorry about that, yeah, gay people, ummmm, you are still shit out of luck. Most people still think you are Icky.


Mormons always get ripped off by some crooked Douchebag!

July 4, 2008

For a variety of reasons Mormons tend to be very trusting of authority figures. There are a couple hundred thousand Mormons who get regularly ripped off by a Ponzi, Multi-Level Marketing, or Real Estate scheme and it really makes me want to shake the bitches off their foundations. Its not hard to sniff out a scheme, if someone says you’ll double your money they’re lying and if they’re presenting to you in your living room like Uncle Rico in Napolean Dynamite, please make them leave. Use your intuition, pray to god even, just ummm, don’t get fucked over like these people.

Check out this total Douchebag:

Val Southwick was sentenced Thursday to one year to 15 years in prison for each of the nine counts of securities fraud. The punishments are to be served consecutively.

He’s be at it forever:

The scheme is described as one of the largest Ponzi operations in Utah history, lasting more than 17 years and involving more than 800 people.

He had massages (also known as “hand jobs”) and paid his church tithing with ill-gotten-gains:

Southwick used money to pay for a mortgage, massages, vacations, medical and legal expenses, a large collection of cars and church tithing. He stopped paying investors in 2006 and claims to have been working to recoup their losses ever since.

The mayor of Odgen is a Douchebag:

Among them was Ogden Mayor Matthew Godfrey, who urged the judge to keep Southwick out of prison. Godfrey said Southwick wasn’t an “evil man” and his incarceration could bump violent criminals from beds in Utah’s overcrowded prison.
Allow him to serve his time working to pay back investors,” Godfrey said, drawing jeers from the packed courtroom.

To recap, he’s 63, been doing it for almost 20 years, he pays his tithing and buys Mormon goods with the monies he stole from other Mormons but please go “soft” on him cause he’s a good guy and after all, he’s selling his Book of Mormon bookends to make “good”. This happens all the time to trusting Mormons. Its a damn shame.


Fat People From Sandy Utah

July 1, 2008

Here they are, your typical happy fat Mormon family from Sandy, Utah all geeked up on red meat, fast foods, and saturated fats. Don’t they look happy? They even bought their denim clothing from Old Navy for this family photo.

I Googled “Fat People from Sandy Utah” and this family came up. Try it, I dare you (2rd Row).

He actually has a cleaver little blog if you like, “A Joke of the day”, humorous stories about my “sweet (code for Fat) wife”, some dumb stories about having tons of kids, probably some inspiring stories about Mormonism, and how fat people think strolling in the park constitutes a workout. Oh wait… I just noticed the blurb about Son #4 having a brain tumor, uh, I was going to bang away at these fat people but even I have limits.

Move along people, nothing to see here, I’ll come back to this “Mormons are fat asses” topic later.


Bigger is not always better! Seriously….

June 25, 2008

So lets just say Moroni gave Joseph plates these size (mind you, they’re pure gold):

Ok, he could probably lift it, probably only a couple hundred pounds…

How about this size?

Maybe, he’s purty strong, three hundred lbs?

This size??

No fucking way, that’s gold bitch! Probably around 600 pounds right there! And he hauled it four miles back to his pad and all over the country side? Com’on now! Even like with the power of God, 600 pounds is 600 pounds! And if you think I’m being mean that is the church’s official display, that’s probably a 1/2 ton of gold!

And how did he haul the sword of Laban around?

He may have had a wagon but I doubt it.

And how’d you translate a half ton of gold??? the Urim and Thummim while looking into a top hat?

Ok, ok, he could have just put these in his pocket but there was some sort of breast plate and a top hat but Google wouldn’t give me a very good picture. “mumum smsmsyush” and “uh, you just mumbled something”, furthermore “…and i went forthwith translating this gospel with but a mere salt and pepper shaker”, that is some really nice work there Joseph!

I’m just saying that something made of pure gold is going to be heavy, even if Reformed Egyptian is like freaky hieroglyphic shorthand. Just saying…


And that’s how it happened!

June 22, 2008

Just in case you thought I was kidding about that Joseph Smith seeing God and Jesus business, I’ve decided to post a short clip on the First Vision. I basically I grew up with this story as soon as I burst through the womb. I heard it during Primary, Family Home Evening, Sunday School, Seminary and then retold it a billion times on my mission. It became a part of my being. In my earlier post I failed to mention Joseph was reading the Epistle of James where it states, “If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God who giveth to all men liberally.” We love this scripture and I still use it on people even though I could care less about religion and don’t believe God really talks to anyone anymore.

This gives you a basic idea of how it happened.

xoxo

Jack