Jack goes to Church!

I went to Church yesterday.

2nd coming

Jesus people, it’s not the 2nd Coming!!!

Maybe this caught you off guard, you might even be shocked as you think I’m not the church attending type. You are correct in this assumption. Church, especially the LDS three hour block (Sacrament, Sunday School, and Priesthood) is mind-numbing shit. I won’t get into the reason why I was there but my attendance usually coincides with a special event or holiday, I’m sort of like a Catholic version of a Mormon. I must admit I was a little surprised at the meeting, I was expecting some boring business about how great Joseph Smith, Brigham Young, Boyd K. Packer, and Thomas S. Monson were but for most of the meeting people talked about Jesus and his simplistic gospel of love. WTF? Gimme something about how you are going to create worlds in heaven or marry multiple women and bang them in celestial sex, I want the crazy shit!!!! Sons of bitches!! Why the simple stuff when I had my notebook and pen out?? I hate it when Mormons ruin my stereotypes with real Biblical discussion.

I did feel pretty dirty about attending (I haven’t attended since the start of this blog) and I realized it’s just the Mormon guilt I grew up with so I devised a quick and easy solution for my how I felt. When I got home I lined up a shot of Jim Beam and a can of Miller High Life, 12 minutes later I felt better.

Jim Beam

That’s right Jack, it’s ok, it’s all better now, all better now…

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10 Responses to Jack goes to Church!

  1. Ryan says:

    Yeah, funny how alcohol is so often the go-to method for supressing/killing those nagging feelings of doubt and unsurety. You’ll call it something else, but that’s what it is.

    Good luck to you, sir.

  2. jackmormon says:

    I thought that is what religion was for?

    I have a term for Booze in a bottle, its called F.U.N.

    Thanks for the comments Ryan, good points..

  3. OSweet says:

    I’m surprised you weren’t packin’ a flask during Sacrament Meeting.

  4. jackmormon says:

    Even Jack has his limits, well, not really….

    A funny side note to this site, I scan the top search tags and for today here they are:

    jack daniels 51
    jack daniel’s 3
    southwick mormon missionary 2
    pocket size jack daniels 1
    what?who? yeah! 1
    jackdaniels 1
    jack daniels % 1
    jack mormons 1
    fat denim 1

    I believe that pocket size jack daniels would fit the Sacrament bill for sure. Hilarious stuff. Jack Daniels doesn’t usually dominate like this but today is a Monday, people are probably thinking Whiskey at the moment.

  5. B Gibby says:

    So, a Google search brought up this blog. I read this post and I just have to ask you. How can you be so sure those “dirty feelings” were from your “guilty” upbringing? Do you think it’s impossible to feel unworthy when you know you’ve been doing stupid things? I think you still feel there is something to the LDS Church. If you’ve attended for more than a few times, you know there’s a Power in that Church. It’s obvious. And the fact that you use alcohol to get rid of it? Certainly you know your just being ridiculous. I don’t know anything about your history, but I’m betting somehow you were seriously offended/excommunicated/hurt in some way/believe something that goes against the church or something those sorts. 99% of the time, somebody in your place, devoting time to bad mouthing the church, is still very emotionally tied to the Church. If you had simply left because you didn’t want to attend anymore, you wouldn’t be on here. Am I right? The sooner you recognize that you need to let the past go and recommit yourself, the sooner you will find peace again. And if you think you have peace, you have already proven you don’t. A person at peace doesn’t do what you’re doing. And it’s easy to forget what it’s like to have the Spirit. There are times when i fall and do things I shouldn’t do and think I’m still happy and spiritual. Then after fully repenting and getting the right way again, I’m always amazed at how I feel. I forget how happy I can truly be when the Spirit is with me. Or maybe you never were fully converted, even if you were an active member for quite some time. If you don’t keep the commandments and sincerely strive to follow the Lord, you never will gain a strong testimony. It’s all based upon personal dedication. Can you say you personally had a testimony that was manifest to you by the power of the Holy Ghost? If you did, do you still have it? If not, what caused it to diminish? I look forward to your reply.

  6. Broshat says:

    Hey Jack,

    Good post as usual. I also enjoyed reading the more current post about the MMM, but the comments to that post are about some pretty serious shit, so I decided to comment on this post instead since I’m not a serious guy. But seriously, I was curious to get your take on female mormon fashion. Why is it that LDS chicks refuse to dress hot? I was telling my brother the other day that there is a mormon family who lives a few years down, and the daughters are definitely pretty, but never wear anything other than sweatpants, sneakers, and baggy sweaters. No makeup, no hairdo, no nail polish, simply nothing to catch the eye even though they are naturally pretty girls. Then I started checking out other chicks who I know to be mormon, and realized that they all wear the same uniform – sweats and baggy sweaters. What is up with that? Is it just the general conservative, somewhat puritanical approach to appearance that you find in every religion with extreme views? If so, I think there’s a bit of hypocrisy given that mormon chicks are expected to put out on demand and serve as 24 hr baby factories, but can even dress hot. Damn, religion is such a partypooper.

  7. Broshat says:

    Please excuse the typos in my last post. “years down” should be “doors down” and “can even dress hot” should read “can’t.” I assume you figured that out. And about alcohol… it is the Lord’s nectar. Christ turned water to wine for cryin out loud. I’m a scotch drinker myself, but will never decline a shot of Jack under any circumstance. Frankly, I believe booze is something to be enjoyed in large quantities at any time of day. I mean really folks… what if everything the good preacher says about the afterlife turns out to be false? You will have spent every Sunday sober in a stuffy church listening to depressing sermons while I will have spent most Sunday’s drinking beer and watching sports with the people I enjoy most in my life. And where will we all end up? In the same place…. a grave. Just something to consider. It’s probably a good thing that I’m catholic.

  8. baccusss says:

    I have the same way of dealing with church…lol

  9. Carli says:

    I laughed at this post. I wrote “How to be a Jack Mormon.” It has some good tips for what to do if you find yourself at church.
    Mormon” http://www.theculturalhallpodcast.com/2012/06/how-to-be-a-jack-mormon/
    Thought your readers might like it too.

  10. ACRC says:

    So I was looking up stuff about brandon flowers and this blog came up and I read some stuff….. And well I totally agree with B Gibby but I am not going to be so nice, seriously if you hate the church and think it is gay, why the hell go?? You obviously still feel something for it… Everything you write is negative, so I am pretty sure that makes you the DOUCHE BAG. This blog is full of crap and this will be my first and last time on it.

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