Joseph Smith – Saw who?? Yeah, right!

So I need to enlighten you dumbass heathens on some basic historical facts so I can provide a little context for my future musings. I would imagine much of who read this already have a working knowledge of Mormonism but still I gotta tell the story. So, in the early 19th Century a young man living in upstate New York had some basic questions about which church to join. What happened during his quest for an answer resulted in the creation of a global religion with influence in American politics, western settlement, and cultural norms. This man was Joseph Smith (here is an artist’s rendition of Joseph, notice how hot this guy is for the 1830s, HELLLOooo!) .

During this period of time, specifically in the Burnt Over district of New York, a renewed religious revival took place. It was an era of visions, mystics, and revivalism. As it was described to me during my religious study as a teen (4 years of Mormon seminary) Joseph Smith was compelled to find out which church had the authority to direct the Church of Christ as set forth during Jesus’s discipleship on Earth. He knew it wasn’t the Catholics (it should be self evident their authority never existed and who can trust a priest with sacramental wine coolers and snickers bars anymore?) , he was modestly attracted to revivalists, and he really liked the Methodists but could not reconcile this authority issue. So at the age of 14 he went into a grove of trees outside the farm and asked God which church he should join. Sure as the sun rise God and Jesus Christ appeared to him, told them all churches were full of cockamamie bullshit and that through a series of visions and ordinances from heavenly figures they were going to bring back Their church with him as a Modern Day Prophet/Restorer. I kid you not, I am not fucking kidding, its shit like this that honestly makes me sad Mitt Romney’s Presidential campaign failed. This is the shit we’d be talking about right now, during the election, it would be the funniest thing ever, I digress… So here is an artist’s rendition of what actually happened on that glorious of mornings (Jesus on the left, God on the Right, Joseph is sitting on the ground):

He looks pretty developed for 14

If you think I’m just making this shit up here is a randomly Google’d link I found in 2.4 seconds from the University of Virginia, feel free to click it for reference but you really don’t need to, I’m historically accurate due to the many years of study, in fact, I’m scary accurate (honestly, this is off the top of my head).

So in summary, he’s a 14 year old and he saw God and Jesus in human form, you’d think that couldn’t be topped, right? Think again heathens. If you actually did click on the link above you’ll notice within the Joseph Smith story he was visited by several biblical figures and some new figures which we will call “Angels”. After he saw God and Jesus , he was visited by the “Angel” Moroni who apparently lived in the Americas circa, ummm, 170 ADish (I don’t feel like Googling it). You see, way back before the time of Christ there was this family lead by Lehi. Jeruselum was about to be destroyed by some fucking heathens from Babylon so God (the one who Joseph Smith met) told Lehi to get the hell out of Dodge and he’d directed him to a “Promised Land”. Well turns out, God (the one who Joseph Smith met) told Lehi to build some ships and set sail to wherever and once they got there it would be the “Promised Land”. Sure as hell they sailed from the Mid East to Central America 800 years before the birth of Christ, at first glance that sure seems believable. Well, their families started getting bigger and soon we had a full blown colony of Jews in North America and God (the one who Joseph Smith met) was directing the prophets and there were a ton of wars and the wicked ones for some unknown reason turned brown, Jesus got crucified in Jeruselum and then he came and visited the heathens in America after his resurrection, then the Brownies (they were called Lamanites) ultimately killed the Whities (they were called Nephites), it was awesome, an awesome tale of whoa. Well, I did mention the Angel Moroni earlier, he was the last of the Nephite prophets tasked with completing the history of Lehi and his decendents. He continued to write the history and completed it, when he was done he buried it in the side of a hill testifying that it would be a modern day record of his people’s communication with God (the one who Joseph Smith met) and also be a new scripture for our modern age. Any guesses what Moroni may have mention to Joseph when he came for a visit? You guessed it, “I have this book I wrote 2000 years ago and you’re going to translate it for me and it will be a new testament for Jesus”. I bet you think I’m shitting you, I’m not and I have an artist’s rendition of what happened right here:

You can see where this is going right, visions, gold plates, prophecies, angry mobs, moving out West, banging chicks left and right, Cultural Retardedness, fat white people who live in Sandy, Utah??? You got the quantum leap, right???

Blah, you are probably a stupid idiot suffering from Attention Deficit Disorder and can’t handle a blog over 175 words per day and furthermore, I lost you three pictures ago. Well, make an attempt at reading here, I will tell you all the REAL funny shit later, you just needed some background here.

Hugs and Kisses,

Jack

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12 Responses to Joseph Smith – Saw who?? Yeah, right!

  1. Anna-Laura says:

    So, where are you going with this? It sounds like a rant so far. Did you tire of Mormonism or find a denomination that suited you better? I’ll keep reading.

  2. Bobby Peru says:

    Is that South Park?

  3. jackmormon says:

    Yes, I was worried this first post on the context would come off as a rant, I did not want that. I did have a sort of falling out with the doctrinal aspects of the church, too many things do not make sense and revisionist history runs rampant with very little questioning authority. I’m generally a smart ass as well. I’d like to ultimately describe how it was funny, different and exciting to grow up the way I did. I do have fondness for the way I was raised but when you take a approach to the doctrine it can make you chuckle. I hope you keep reading.

    Jack

  4. jackmormon says:

    Yes Bobby, I couldn’t find an accurate artists “rendition” of the Angel Moroni visiting Joseph so the South Park picture came up.

  5. Mountain Princess says:

    Funny! Thank you!

  6. Misty says:

    I’ll keep reading – I have always found the Mormons a fascinating bunch.

  7. Scott says:

    Lehi and his family sailed to the Americas in 591 B.C. not 800 B.C. The book of Mormon didn’t even begin in 600 B.C. He also never mentions Catholics… only Presbyterians, Baptists and Methodists. Do your research and get your facts straight before posting more erroneous information. Have a nice day.

  8. jackmormon says:

    I mentioned Catholics just cause I hate those douchebags. Yeah, the time line was basically off the top of my head and besides I could probably have a discussion on what you’d call a “fact” at this point.

  9. Southern Dude says:

    Mr. Scott, Is the source of these “facts” you refer to, the facts that you think Jackmormon needs to “get straight”, anything other than the “standard works” i.e. facts taken on faith and doctrine only? I still find it hard to believe that some people cling to dogma as some sort of real truth. This guy (Jackmormon) has found a way to make light of what has been a real earth shattering realization, to be sure. Your patronizing ilk is as pathetic as I am sure your life probably is, too. Why are you even reading this blog? Go baptize some dead people or something. Make yourself useful. What will you say at your next income audit (titheing settlement) when the bishop finds out you’ve been consorting here? – Good luck!

  10. Braden says:

    So, why target the Mormons? If you think this is all a bunch of crap, then what about the bible? If you believe in the Bible, at all, then what makes this so hard to believe? What I wonder is, if God spoke with people in the days of the Bible, why not today? Sure, you get a bunch of church leaders, who have no authority from God, get together and say, “The time of revelation is over.” It seems to me that people are getting the impression that God is dead, and that he stopped talking with people ages ago. Where in the Bible does it say that God won’t talk to anyone ever again? Surely if you believe in the Bible, then you can believe in someone today. Honestly, if you don’t believe that’s possible, then you can’t truly believe in the Bible, and thus, you might as well be attacking all Christianity, or any religion for that matter. Considering that pretty much every religion out there believes in at least someone getting revelation from a deity.

  11. Braden says:

    I’m just saying that it seems kind of odd that of all of the religions, you choose the Mormons and ignore the actual possibility of that happening. Hope I gave you something to think about…wow, neither one of us seem to have much to do.

  12. Mick M says:

    I have studied religions of the world for over 40 years. I lived in India with the Dahli Lama for one year. I was raised a Catholic in SLC, UT. I have lived as a Sikh (Religion of the Punjab region in India). I have learned the basic tenets of Scientology and I have spent countless and useless hours listening to relatives about “The only true religion”.

    It is my humble opinion that all mens religions are created by men, for men and lathered with what ever opportunistic needs and desires fit them at the time. Without exception each religion I have dabbled in, read up on and even participated in had a parallel theme. That theme is somewhere, in scripture, writings, prophecies and or a multitude of sources claims to be the “One true religion”.

    I do not believe that God, the higher power, supreme being, creator etc. could possibly have favorites or promise certain groups special rewards or any other specific beliefs of any religion that claims sovereignty with the almighty.

    For the sake of discussion only I will just say that if one believes in God. He must believe in the whole concept of all forgiving and all merciful. If that is so isn’t the light in heaven for everyone? Doesn’t it seem there would be no rooms, borders, special areas or signs that say authorized Mormons only lol. I imagine the light is all pervading for each and every spirit that is present in this unknown and vast galaxy we call heaven.

    Mormonism will go down in history as the biggest guilt ridden, false and man made farce in the universe.

    By the way if God comes to Energy Solutions and I have a seat where I can touch his feet and I am in front of a Mormon. I will gladly give up my set and move to the nosebleed section where I am confident I will enjoy every word as everyone there will. We can all just pretend we didn’t here this and that so the Mormons feelings won’t be hurt and they can continue living in the clutch of religios
    zealousness.

    I told a Mormon once that he could baptize me immediately when I hear that lead based, gold leafed, pigeon rest on top of the Temples blow his horn. Hallelujia.

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