Truthfully, I was going to say “Every Mormon is a Faggot” but then I thought that might be, well, offensive so I tidied up the title but seriously…. I’m pretty sure most Mormon’s are faggots. Here is why, they simply care too much. Why, why, why do you care about people you think you’ve never come in contact with, make up a viable segment of humanity, work among you, play among you, and oh wait, can I say faggot here without anyone getting pissed off?? To my point with no links and no pictures I know tons of Mormons *cough* I grew up one in California *cough* and to see the justification through groups on Facebook like “Get the Facts about the LDS Church and Proposition 8″ and “Mormons Are Christians” and blogs make my testicles recoil (insert homo-erotic music….NOW!). I hear through the mainstream media members of the church decrying the fact that they’re just being singled out for Prop 8 and that everyone has the right to vote their conscience. Yeah, that’s Bullshit… Here is what I do know, and its a fact because I’ve received multiple sources within California ward houses confirming it:
1) Mormon’s are douchebags.
2) They make their out of state members (particularly in California) donate to the passing of measures like Prop 8 that take away the right of others to marry those they love even though the Church is fucking rich, rich as sin, like tons of gold Boullon rich, hidden in a massive safe.
3) Mormon’s are douchebags.
4) Bishop’s (congregational leaders) come to members houses and tell them to actively campaign for hate measures like Prop 8.
5) Mormon’s are douchebags.
6) Mormon’s aren’t Christian because they’d be doing unto others as they want others to do to them, checkered history in all. Insert Golden rule here, insert the Gospel of Love there, I’m pretty sure Mormon’s get confused as to what Jesus Christ was about. Yeah, you’re not Christian.
A new book is coming out next month about the Mountain Meadows Massacre which happened in the southwest corner of Utah circa 1857. The Mountain Meadows massacre involved a mass slaughter of the Fancher-Baker emigrant wagon train at Mountain Meadows in the Utah Territory by the local Mormon militia in September 1857. It began as an attack, quickly turned into a siege, and eventually culminated on September 11, 1857, in the execution of the unarmed emigrants after their surrender.
Here is the movie poster about the Massacre starting Jon Voight as John D. Lee. I heard it was massively lame (You know Jack likes to include pictures on his blog).
This is a very uncomfortable topic for Mormons, if you read the whole Wiki account of the Mountain Meadows Massacre you see some very crazy and disturbing shit, specifically to Parley P. Pratt getting shot by the legal husband of one of his plural “wives” who doubled as a mistress. Nutty. P3 was and still is a beloved leader but he should have stayed away from wife stealing. To the naked eye this incident looks like murder in the 1st and it is apparent the leadership of the church knew about this from the bottom up. It’s a blight on the system, the topic is far too big to discuss on this blog but wanted to see if you were interested cause this book is getting serious run.
Maybe this caught you off guard, you might even be shocked as you think I’m not the church attending type. You are correct in this assumption. Church, especially the LDS three hour block (Sacrament, Sunday School, and Priesthood) is mind-numbing shit. I won’t get into the reason why I was there but my attendance usually coincides with a special event or holiday, I’m sort of like a Catholic version of a Mormon. I must admit I was a little surprised at the meeting, I was expecting some boring business about how great Joseph Smith, Brigham Young, Boyd K. Packer, and Thomas S. Monson were but for most of the meeting people talked about Jesus and his simplistic gospel of love. WTF? Gimme something about how you are going to create worlds in heaven or marry multiple women and bang them in celestial sex, I want the crazy shit!!!! Sons of bitches!! Why the simple stuff when I had my notebook and pen out?? I hate it when Mormons ruin my stereotypes with real Biblical discussion.
I did feel pretty dirty about attending (I haven’t attended since the start of this blog) and I realized it’s just the Mormon guilt I grew up with so I devised a quick and easy solution for my how I felt. When I got home I lined up a shot of Jim Beam and a can of Miller High Life, 12 minutes later I felt better.
That’s right Jack, it’s ok, it’s all better now, all better now…
Me??? Little ole Jack Mormon?? Ummm, yeah, not really but last week there was this crazy news story about Chad Hardy’s excommunication from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (otherwise known as the Mormon Church). He put hot chest-baring male return missionaries in a calendar, put it on the market and made a killing. Unfortunately for Chad, the male leaders of his local congregation didn’t like it (I’m sure the Relief Society didn’t mind) and took action. I had numerous requests to blog on this story but as I read it became clear it wasn’t really a story. Chad was pretty happy he got shit-canned, he got serious publicity for his next calendar, and since he wasn’t living a Mormon lifestyle he simply didn’t care. The funniest thing about the story is the fact that Brandon Flowers is from the same congregation and he wears make up. Personally I think a church should be able to tell people to get out if they want to. They make the rules, they’re speaking for God, general membership isn’t supposed to understand its inner workings; it’s a church for Crissakes!
Chad’s excommunication did get me thinking about the process because growing up I recall there being a terrible stigma attached to the word. You’d hear about someone getting Ex’d (until the 1970s*, decisions of excommunication and disfellowshipment were announced openly in ward Melchizedek Priesthood meetings, although the nature of the transgression was usually not announced) and then you’d wonder what transgression was committed or who had sex with who. Members would heap initial pity on the family then withdraw leaving them isolated as the family with an excommunicated member. Most never quite recovered and the whole process seemed very extreme. I remember this being the case in several instances in my Ward growing up.
Bruce C. Hafen (who is a current General Authority and I believe somewhat Liberal) formalized the reasoning behind excommunication. I think it’s a pretty good read but on the disciplinary end it seems far reaching and harsh especially since most acts of discipline are handled at the local level and open to interpretation. Chad Hardy’s excommunication does seem a little senseless but for those who really have issues but want to remain inside the church, why not just lie? I’d still lie if they had pictures of me with my pants around my ankles while my secretary’s legs where on my shoulders. No, I have no idea who writes this blog! No, that isn’t my email address! See, that’s not so hard, is it? For the serious Mormon is it really worth the heart ache?
*I believe announcements continued until the late 80s, talk about harsh.
You knew this business was coming… in my previous post about famous Mormons I forgot to mention Killers lead singer Brandon Flowers, he is a devout Mormon. Flowers has described his personal faith as a “very important” part of his life. He has also joked that “I don’t think the make-up would go down so well at church.” Flowers has stated that he does not oppose gay rights, saying “I think everybody should have equal rights.” This link provides more depth of faith, wow, Mr Brightside is a serious Mormon.
Maybe his soft stance on Gay Rights is just pandering to his fan base but we are talking Mormonism here. To take his sexual ambiguity further check out this Mr Brightside video, its down right naughty for a Jack Mormon but its certain to shock the socks off a devout one (gawd Flowers, you are soooo hot!).
I bet Mr Brightside makes the Church hella-nervous with his stance on Gay Rights considering the church recently sent out this letter to its local leadership.
Here’s to Mr Brightside! Sounds like he just wants people to get along and for that matter, here’s to gay people! Oh wait, so sorry about that, yeah, gay people, ummmm, you are still shit out of luck. Most people still think you are Icky.
For a variety of reasons Mormons tend to be very trusting of authority figures. There are a couple hundred thousand Mormons who get regularly ripped off by a Ponzi, Multi-Level Marketing, or Real Estate scheme and it really makes me want to shake the bitches off their foundations. Its not hard to sniff out a scheme, if someone says you’ll double your money they’re lying and if they’re presenting to you in your living room like Uncle Rico in Napolean Dynamite, please make them leave. Use your intuition, pray to god even, just ummm, don’t get fucked over like these people.
Check out this total Douchebag:
Val Southwick was sentenced Thursday to one year to 15 years in prison for each of the nine counts of securities fraud. The punishments are to be served consecutively.
He’s be at it forever:
The scheme is described as one of the largest Ponzi operations in Utah history, lasting more than 17 years and involving more than 800 people.
He had massages (also known as “hand jobs”) and paid his church tithing with ill-gotten-gains:
Southwick used money to pay for a mortgage, massages, vacations, medical and legal expenses, a large collection of cars and church tithing. He stopped paying investors in 2006 and claims to have been working to recoup their losses ever since.
The mayor of Odgen is a Douchebag:
Among them was Ogden Mayor Matthew Godfrey, who urged the judge to keep Southwick out of prison. Godfrey said Southwick wasn’t an “evil man” and his incarceration could bump violent criminals from beds in Utah’s overcrowded prison.
Allow him to serve his time working to pay back investors,” Godfrey said, drawing jeers from the packed courtroom.
To recap, he’s 63, been doing it for almost 20 years, he pays his tithing and buys Mormon goods with the monies he stole from other Mormons but please go “soft” on him cause he’s a good guy and after all, he’s selling his Book of Mormon bookends to make “good”. This happens all the time to trusting Mormons. Its a damn shame.
Here they are, your typical happy fat Mormon family from Sandy, Utah all geeked up on red meat, fast foods, and saturated fats. Don’t they look happy? They even bought their denim clothing from Old Navy for this family photo.
He actually has a cleaver little blog if you like, “A Joke of the day”, humorous stories about my “sweet (code for Fat) wife”, some dumb stories about having tons of kids, probably some inspiring stories about Mormonism, and how fat people think strolling in the park constitutes a workout. Oh wait… I just noticed the blurb about Son #4 having a brain tumor, uh, I was going to bang away at these fat people but even I have limits.
Move along people, nothing to see here, I’ll come back to this “Mormons are fat asses” topic later.
Some may wonder exactly what a Jack Mormon is, maybe I should have covered this topic earlier? To cut to the quick, a Jack Mormon loosely associates himself with the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (also known as Mormon) but does not follow any of the day to day practices, like paying tithing, abstaining from smoke or drink, and has no problem indulging in the flesh (outside the marriage covenant).
A legitimate question springs to mind, why do you feel it necessary to associate yourself with the Church while you obviously do not believe in or practice Its teachings?
Good question, maybe because I know David Archuleta, John Heder, Ryan Gosling, and Amy Adams are card carrying Mormons. That’s reason enough for me and now you know what a Jack Mormon is.
This is also a reason why I’m a Jack Mormon (I share the same first name):
But we all know you would if you could…. well, I was taught in Sunbeams that if you thought it, you did it. I think this fully clothed seductress (shown below):
should think bad thoughts and proceed to have sex with me.
You think I’m making this stuff up but let me present this little article on said topic which stirred up some controversy at The Lord’s University. According to the Deseret Morning News, the paper halted the ad campaign after complaints from students, professors and administrators who felt the slogan implied a desire to engage in “objectionable” behavior.
Many thought wearers of the clothing wished they could drink, smoke or have casual sex – but were prevented solely because of their membership in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
Duh!
I’m sure if you did Jesus (the one Joseph Smith met) will ultimately forgive you anyway, ain’t that right Jesus (the one Joseph Smith met)?
So lets just say Moroni gave Joseph plates these size (mind you, they’re pure gold):
Ok, he could probably lift it, probably only a couple hundred pounds…
How about this size?
Maybe, he’s purty strong, three hundred lbs?
This size??
No fucking way, that’s gold bitch! Probably around 600 pounds right there! And he hauled it four miles back to his pad and all over the country side? Com’on now! Even like with the power of God, 600 pounds is 600 pounds! And if you think I’m being mean that is the church’s official display, that’s probably a 1/2 ton of gold!
And how did he haul the sword of Laban around?
He may have had a wagon but I doubt it.
And how’d you translate a half ton of gold??? the Urim and Thummim while looking into a top hat?
Ok, ok, he could have just put these in his pocket but there was some sort of breast plate and a top hat but Google wouldn’t give me a very good picture. “mumum smsmsyush” and “uh, you just mumbled something”, furthermore “…and i went forthwith translating this gospel with but a mere salt and pepper shaker”, that is some really nice work there Joseph!
I’m just saying that something made of pure gold is going to be heavy, even if Reformed Egyptian is like freaky hieroglyphic shorthand. Just saying…
Posted by jackmormon 
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